A Blargh Post:

Still plugging away at THE BOOK. I’m excited and scared shitless at the same time because I still have to draw the damned thing and the thought of it causes me to shut down because truthfully, I’m not entirely sure I can draw it. It sort of feels like I have thousands of pieces of this really, really awesome… thingy and no idea how to fit any of it together. It’s complicated and daunting and it’s starting to drive me nuts. I have this thing inside me with no way of getting it out.

I think I’m kinda having nightmares about it. I dreamed last night that I was back in high school (not my actual high school, thank god. This one was some sort of airborne… lecture hall.) and we were working on some worksheet and all of a sudden we were being called upon to present a project of some kind and when I got called upon I couldn’t move or speak because I didn’t know what the hell the teacher was talking about. Project? What project? When was this assigned? I had no idea. The teacher was furious with me and told me to see her after class…

And that’s when she stabbed me through the chest with her freaking HAND. If that doesn’t sound like an anxiety dream, I don’t know what is.

Sorry for making you all read this. I get frustrated and vent/whinge/whine too much and I think I’m starting to push people away as a result. I need to get a grip.

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13 Responses to A Blargh Post:

  1. Samm Neiland says:

    Aren’t those feelings of anxiety and uncertainty great though? I mean, wouldn’t it just be terrible if you were completely emotionally dead, focusing only on working at a job you hate, and just passing along through life like some sort of shuffling zombie before you feel like its too late to do anything at all?

    I feel for you. The constant pressure of making something that could be successful, let alone impress anybody is a brain rattler for sure, but damnit all; the bullshit I have to deal with along the way that makes it worth it.

    I’m rootin’ for you.

    • Joe says:

      Maybe? I guess I’ve just become accustomed to feeling dead inside and being all zombified and this is all completely new to me. I’ve never really had friends, let alone people actually “rootin'” for me before and on some level I feel like that if I screw this up and this book sucks that I’ll disappoint everyone and end up alone again.

      That makes me sound sort of psychotic, doesn’t it? Shit.

      • Samm Neiland says:

        Not psychotic, just severely lacking in confidence. Which I understand, but at the same time its a bit illogical when you start to think more ambiguously about things.

        You have talent, and at this point you have goals to accomplish with said talent. All you can do it keep at that until you have a complete product. Then all you have to do is throw it in people’s faces and see who latches on to it, and believe me, people will. :]

        • Joe says:

          throw it in people’s faces? D8

          • Samm Neiland says:

            Meaning be annoyingly promotional about it. If comics are anything like music, you need to get as many people to notice it as possible, even if that means being slightly annoying about it, cause the more people that know about it, the better your chances of word being spread about it and gaining support for it.

  2. Dan says:

    As someone who is somewhere near the middle of his own giant ass book, here is something I found to keep me going…

    “you can’t do anything without doing anything, my young apprentice

    I think it’s important to stop thinking that the project you’re doing has to be your big thing, your magnum opus, the pinnacle of everything.

    It just has to be the thing you’re doing. you have to actually do it. You do it to the best of your abilities, knowing in part of your mind that it’s better than anything you’ve done, and in another part of your mind that it’s terrible shit and you’ll do better work after it’s over.”

    -Quote from demi-god Bryan Lee O’Malley, from somewhere or other on the internets.

    • Joe says:

      …you know, I think that does sort of help.
      I don’t tell enough people this enough, but you’re a really good friend.

  3. James says:

    Honestly, I don’t think anyone that reads this will think you are a failure even if it doesn’t come out well. This is something new for you, and any effort towards it is better than none. No matter how it comes out, no one will think any less of you, or at the very least, I know I won’t.
    (Sorry if I seem to be kinda popping out of the blue, I have read for a while, just haven’t posted comments, this post just kinda pulled at me though, I really can relate to what you are feeling)

    • Joe says:

      Oh please, I live for comments out of the blue.
      I don’t know though. I really want this to not suck and I’m scared to death of disappointing everyone I know. Which is silly, I know, but I can’t really seem to shake the nagging little bastard.

      • James says:

        I’m not the best at motivating people out of ruts like this (mostly because I get caught in them far too often myself, for many of the same reasons) but I suppose you could look at it this way: It could be bad, it could be the worst thing in the world, but will it be worse than not trying at all? If you don’t at least put effort towards it, if you don’t try, or get caught up on your anxiety instead of doing something you want to do, you will be missing out on so much experience and practice. This doesn’t have to be your last graphic novel. Even if this one doesn’t turn out for the best, you can always try again, this time better knowing what you didn’t the first time you attempted it.

  4. Garrett Perrella says:

    I was going to write some big block of text in an attempt to inspire you out of your anxiety, or at least get it to subside for a bit. Unfortunately, I’ve already forgotten what I was going to type.

    We’ll talk later.

  5. Hey man, think about it this way, if you already inspired the shit out of me by just drawing simple comic pages mostly every day, then you’ll have no problem doing the same for others like me! If it’s an issue of success or not, I bet you could print and bind your journalin comix along with your comments on each comic, and have NO problem selling them! You’re good, you’re funny, and people love hearing (reading) what you have to say!

    It’s in the bag, man, just keep going!

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