Minor Existential Meltdown #43956

Got back to working on MAGICAL REALISM/FRUMPY PUPPY/THE BOOK for the first time in a few days. I think I finally figured out what my problem is:

I am simultaneously afraid of both succeeding and getting rejected/sucking/failing in general.

I think everyone fears failure to some extent. What if no one wants to publish it? What is no one buys it? It’s like I’m unwanted by proxy. What is people think it sucks? It’s like they think I suck.

This, for the most part, I can deal with. Sort of. I think. It’s succeeding that I think I have the issue with. Let’s say in the highly unlikely event that I DO get this stupid thing published and people actually seem to like it. This success brings up a whole other set of issues:

OH MY GOD I HAVE TO DO AN INTERVIEW I HATE TALKING TO PEOPLE
OH SHIT I HAVE TO DO A FOLLOW-UP LEST I DIE ALONE IN A GUTTER SOMEWHERE
WHAT IF SAID FOLLOW-UP ISN’T AS GOOD OH GOD CAN I EVEN DO ANOTHER BOOK AAAAAAA
OH FUCK I HAVE NO FRIENwait that’s not unusual…

I was basically crippled by this (and, you know puking but that’s something else entirely)all weekend when I woke up this morning and it hit me that it’s fucking stupid that I’m afraid of actually getting somewhere for once. What the hell?

As a wizened green pedophile once said “Do or do not, there is no try”. So really the only course of action I suppose is to keep going and hope everything works out.

tl;dr I have issues. Book is back on track.

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3 Responses to Minor Existential Meltdown #43956

  1. Mr. Edens says:

    Dude, I know exactly how you feel. I think I’ve struggled with a fear od success my entire adult life. Even to the point where I’d just give up on a prospect, even though I knew I could do it. What kind of fucked up phobia is this?! It’s like we’re scared of money! >.<

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